Tides of Emotion

**Warning:  Personal, emotional, deep, somewhat whiny, pictureless and possibly TMI post coming your way.**

There has been a lot going on in my life lately.  A LOT.  Maybe even too much.  I have been doing some internal investigation and digging in my emotional life.  For a majority of my childhood, I had emotional problems.  I am not sure why; I had a loving family, great opportunities, friends, and everything a little girl could want (and more).  To start, insomnia ran in the family and I had a lot of sleepless nights as an elementary and middle schooler.  It is hard and draining for a young child to lay in bed all night for hours, thinking about things little children shouldn't (like death, family, love).  It took a toll somewhat, but I got past it. 

Then came the time when boy drama started to enter my life.  Being the stick figure, undeveloped girl I was in my early teens, lets just say I didn't get much attention from the boys, if any at all.  And if I did, it was definitely short lived.  My heart was broken several times by misguidance, unloving treatment, and down right meanness.  I became picky in who I even became interested in, avoiding most in fear of becoming hurt and broken again. 

In high school, I pretty much just had girl friends and the guys that I had grew up with as friends, trying to just maintain a circle of friendships.  Many times, both sexes of friends hurt me in countless ways.  Maybe I was being a wimp.  Or maybe I was just investing too much time, energy, and love into relationships I wasn't receiving anything from.  Either way, I eventually shied away from a lot of people and became somewhat of a loner. 

I got into a relationship with someone who I was emotionally and mentally involved with before we even became a couple.  That was my first mistake.  Take my advice:  NEVER allow yourself to fall in love from a distance.  You will literally be blinded by love, your own ego, and a made-up world of what-ifs.  I took a lot of emotional beating in that relationship.  Not to say that the whole relationship was negative; we had our good times and fun.  I also learned a lot about myself, what I could/would tolerate, the things that I was looking for from a mate, and actually how low my self-esteem and confidence was really.

Never had I ever thought I wasn't a good person.  I was an amazing student (graduated with honors and received the Dean's List in college), a hard worker (I had a job and have maintained one since I was 15), a great daughter (only getting in minor-teenage like trouble), a loving family member (spent a lot of my time with family even though friends were doing more fun things), a loyal friend (sticking by my word, doing anything and everything for my friends), and a deep, compassionate lover (giving my all and more to a relationship).  But, those are just who I am. 

Now, in this very moment, looking at the above descriptions, I realize I have left out possibly the most important aspect of myself:  a self-caregiver.  One personality that I have left neglected, pushed aside, and held down deep.  I care about myself.  If I didn't, I wouldn't pursue dreams, exercise, eat right, and look more things that make me happy.  It just seems it is harder for my mothering-self to be expressive and to sometimes (at least) take the wheel. 

It is funny that sometimes you find friends and guidence in places that you never thought you would; in an extracurricular class in college, inside a club bathroom, walking down a big city street after a rave, a random-come across link, a last minute state fair performance.  Life and opportunities are everywhere.  You just have to be present to find them.

In the past few years I have gone through a lot; debt, family crisis, truth findings, let downs, self-realizations, and created some emotional blockages.  I had my great times too, though, creating an amazing group of friends from a not-so-coincidental meet-up in front of a closing down club in DC.  That time period of my life is possibly one of the most spectacular.  Some of the best and closest relationships were cultivated during that phase.  As of recently, I have gone through huge changes.  I have helped grow a long lasting relationship with someone I love deeply; moved 4,000 miles away from all the family and friends I had; changed careers/jobs; found new, influential hobbies; and ultimately have somewhat discovered the key and guidance to where I want to take my life and where, and especially who, I want to be.  The most difficult part of all of this is finding the confidence and self-love to actually pursue and not let fear deter me from creating a life that I love and that I would be proud of; an adventure, crazy, fabulous-fueled life.

Too often we allow self-pity, depression, expectation, jealousy, and bitterness keep us from realizing our true self and inner purpose.  Lately, I have been pretty depressed.  Probably from numerous things; hormones, cabin fever, loneliness, and maybe even emotions/karma/the universe mentally preparing me and cleansing me in preparation for a life change.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been reading a lot and taking resources from numerous life coaches online.  The one that resonates with me the most is Tara of The Organic Sister.  Her posts sometimes resonates so deeply in me, that I literally get chills.  I have been led to her site and her guidance for a reason; I just know it.  In a lot of the posts on her site, it talks about changes.  She discusses how life can throw all kinds of nonsense, darkness, ugliness, and otherwise unwelcomed situations and energies your way in preparation of something spectacularly life changing.

It is just hard to undergo extreme changes when you don't have a circle of friends to back you up.  I love my boyfriend with all of my heart and I know he cares and loves me, too.  But every woman needs a group of girl friends she can depend upon and connect with for support.  I think that has been the hardest part of moving here and going through this wave of emotion.  I love Alaska.  I love every part of it; the beauty, the scenery, the outside opportunities.  Just living in a place where it is difficult to make friends and where there is not much opportunity to get together with people, is just hard for me.  I have always been somewhat of a social butterfly, wanting to meet and talk to people everywhere I go, inspired and interested in their uniqueness and their life.  I think it is enlightening and detrimental in our development to have different social views and wisdom to help nurture our own beliefs.  Sort of like receiving a well-round point of view of life.

There have been plenty of times I have been extremely happy lately, though.  Like when I got Vera, I was ecstatic.  She is an amazing little soul and has taught me so many life lessons in the short time we have spent together.  Or when I started to do hoop jams and people actually came.  It gave me such a high on life that I hadn't felt in quite some time.  It gave me that feeling that I was filled with whenever I was on the way to a rave, after dancing all night, and being "hung-over" with my boyfriend.  That hunger of life and being full of happiness that I get from things like hooping, yoga, dancing, listening to soul-lifting music, art, and feeling connected with my partner.  I realize that I have been very distant, depressed, and possibly even a little bitchy lately, and it hurts me.  I want to love life.  I want to love myself.  I want to know that I am being the best lover that I can be.  The need and want is there, just the steps to regain those positions is dwindling.  The fire of life needs to be rekindled.

And with that, here I am.  Feeling raw, lost, unsure, and anxious.  There are so many goals and opportunities that I want to act upon, I just don't know where to start.  Or even if I can.  I know deep in my heart that my true purpose, my soul purpose in life is in conjunction with art/self-expression and it's connection to deepening spirituality and aiding in the search for our true selves.  These "ideas" are so close to me that I can literally sometimes taste them; I see them in dreams, feel connections or "coincidences," have "ah-ha" moments, and even finding relativity in things that I otherwise wouldn't have associations to.  So, I guess I just have to have faith that something is coming.  Hopefully something seriously uplifting, spectacular, and life-changing.  And if it isn't, oh well.  I guess it just wasn't the time.

I know the opportunity for me to share what I have, find those who will assist and join me in life, and to ultimately create what I want so dearly will come.  There is just the fact that you have to wait.  Life will give you what you need in order to be happy; you just have to be willing and present to accept it all to unfold.

Thank you all who read this blog, who connect with my from distances that are unbelievable, and those who I have yet to connect with.  The Universe weaves this crazy web of ups and downs called life.  We just sometimes have to sit back and view the beautiful tapestry with out trying to attach to who is creating it.