Tides of Emotion

**Warning:  Personal, emotional, deep, somewhat whiny, pictureless and possibly TMI post coming your way.**

There has been a lot going on in my life lately.  A LOT.  Maybe even too much.  I have been doing some internal investigation and digging in my emotional life.  For a majority of my childhood, I had emotional problems.  I am not sure why; I had a loving family, great opportunities, friends, and everything a little girl could want (and more).  To start, insomnia ran in the family and I had a lot of sleepless nights as an elementary and middle schooler.  It is hard and draining for a young child to lay in bed all night for hours, thinking about things little children shouldn't (like death, family, love).  It took a toll somewhat, but I got past it. 

Then came the time when boy drama started to enter my life.  Being the stick figure, undeveloped girl I was in my early teens, lets just say I didn't get much attention from the boys, if any at all.  And if I did, it was definitely short lived.  My heart was broken several times by misguidance, unloving treatment, and down right meanness.  I became picky in who I even became interested in, avoiding most in fear of becoming hurt and broken again. 

In high school, I pretty much just had girl friends and the guys that I had grew up with as friends, trying to just maintain a circle of friendships.  Many times, both sexes of friends hurt me in countless ways.  Maybe I was being a wimp.  Or maybe I was just investing too much time, energy, and love into relationships I wasn't receiving anything from.  Either way, I eventually shied away from a lot of people and became somewhat of a loner. 

I got into a relationship with someone who I was emotionally and mentally involved with before we even became a couple.  That was my first mistake.  Take my advice:  NEVER allow yourself to fall in love from a distance.  You will literally be blinded by love, your own ego, and a made-up world of what-ifs.  I took a lot of emotional beating in that relationship.  Not to say that the whole relationship was negative; we had our good times and fun.  I also learned a lot about myself, what I could/would tolerate, the things that I was looking for from a mate, and actually how low my self-esteem and confidence was really.

Never had I ever thought I wasn't a good person.  I was an amazing student (graduated with honors and received the Dean's List in college), a hard worker (I had a job and have maintained one since I was 15), a great daughter (only getting in minor-teenage like trouble), a loving family member (spent a lot of my time with family even though friends were doing more fun things), a loyal friend (sticking by my word, doing anything and everything for my friends), and a deep, compassionate lover (giving my all and more to a relationship).  But, those are just who I am. 

Now, in this very moment, looking at the above descriptions, I realize I have left out possibly the most important aspect of myself:  a self-caregiver.  One personality that I have left neglected, pushed aside, and held down deep.  I care about myself.  If I didn't, I wouldn't pursue dreams, exercise, eat right, and look more things that make me happy.  It just seems it is harder for my mothering-self to be expressive and to sometimes (at least) take the wheel. 

It is funny that sometimes you find friends and guidence in places that you never thought you would; in an extracurricular class in college, inside a club bathroom, walking down a big city street after a rave, a random-come across link, a last minute state fair performance.  Life and opportunities are everywhere.  You just have to be present to find them.

In the past few years I have gone through a lot; debt, family crisis, truth findings, let downs, self-realizations, and created some emotional blockages.  I had my great times too, though, creating an amazing group of friends from a not-so-coincidental meet-up in front of a closing down club in DC.  That time period of my life is possibly one of the most spectacular.  Some of the best and closest relationships were cultivated during that phase.  As of recently, I have gone through huge changes.  I have helped grow a long lasting relationship with someone I love deeply; moved 4,000 miles away from all the family and friends I had; changed careers/jobs; found new, influential hobbies; and ultimately have somewhat discovered the key and guidance to where I want to take my life and where, and especially who, I want to be.  The most difficult part of all of this is finding the confidence and self-love to actually pursue and not let fear deter me from creating a life that I love and that I would be proud of; an adventure, crazy, fabulous-fueled life.

Too often we allow self-pity, depression, expectation, jealousy, and bitterness keep us from realizing our true self and inner purpose.  Lately, I have been pretty depressed.  Probably from numerous things; hormones, cabin fever, loneliness, and maybe even emotions/karma/the universe mentally preparing me and cleansing me in preparation for a life change.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been reading a lot and taking resources from numerous life coaches online.  The one that resonates with me the most is Tara of The Organic Sister.  Her posts sometimes resonates so deeply in me, that I literally get chills.  I have been led to her site and her guidance for a reason; I just know it.  In a lot of the posts on her site, it talks about changes.  She discusses how life can throw all kinds of nonsense, darkness, ugliness, and otherwise unwelcomed situations and energies your way in preparation of something spectacularly life changing.

It is just hard to undergo extreme changes when you don't have a circle of friends to back you up.  I love my boyfriend with all of my heart and I know he cares and loves me, too.  But every woman needs a group of girl friends she can depend upon and connect with for support.  I think that has been the hardest part of moving here and going through this wave of emotion.  I love Alaska.  I love every part of it; the beauty, the scenery, the outside opportunities.  Just living in a place where it is difficult to make friends and where there is not much opportunity to get together with people, is just hard for me.  I have always been somewhat of a social butterfly, wanting to meet and talk to people everywhere I go, inspired and interested in their uniqueness and their life.  I think it is enlightening and detrimental in our development to have different social views and wisdom to help nurture our own beliefs.  Sort of like receiving a well-round point of view of life.

There have been plenty of times I have been extremely happy lately, though.  Like when I got Vera, I was ecstatic.  She is an amazing little soul and has taught me so many life lessons in the short time we have spent together.  Or when I started to do hoop jams and people actually came.  It gave me such a high on life that I hadn't felt in quite some time.  It gave me that feeling that I was filled with whenever I was on the way to a rave, after dancing all night, and being "hung-over" with my boyfriend.  That hunger of life and being full of happiness that I get from things like hooping, yoga, dancing, listening to soul-lifting music, art, and feeling connected with my partner.  I realize that I have been very distant, depressed, and possibly even a little bitchy lately, and it hurts me.  I want to love life.  I want to love myself.  I want to know that I am being the best lover that I can be.  The need and want is there, just the steps to regain those positions is dwindling.  The fire of life needs to be rekindled.

And with that, here I am.  Feeling raw, lost, unsure, and anxious.  There are so many goals and opportunities that I want to act upon, I just don't know where to start.  Or even if I can.  I know deep in my heart that my true purpose, my soul purpose in life is in conjunction with art/self-expression and it's connection to deepening spirituality and aiding in the search for our true selves.  These "ideas" are so close to me that I can literally sometimes taste them; I see them in dreams, feel connections or "coincidences," have "ah-ha" moments, and even finding relativity in things that I otherwise wouldn't have associations to.  So, I guess I just have to have faith that something is coming.  Hopefully something seriously uplifting, spectacular, and life-changing.  And if it isn't, oh well.  I guess it just wasn't the time.

I know the opportunity for me to share what I have, find those who will assist and join me in life, and to ultimately create what I want so dearly will come.  There is just the fact that you have to wait.  Life will give you what you need in order to be happy; you just have to be willing and present to accept it all to unfold.

Thank you all who read this blog, who connect with my from distances that are unbelievable, and those who I have yet to connect with.  The Universe weaves this crazy web of ups and downs called life.  We just sometimes have to sit back and view the beautiful tapestry with out trying to attach to who is creating it.

THE Coolest Stuffed Animals

OK, so I LOVE stuffed animals.  I used to collect them when I was a kid- I always chose the screwed up ones, thinking no one else would buy them and they would never have a home.  For some reason, these furry little fluff-filled animals continue to pull on my heart strings.  Maybe it is the associations I have with them and my childhood, or maybe I am just weak for cute furry things.  I don't know.  But, I still keep three stuffed animals on my bed to this day (would be more, but boyfriend draws the line currently at three).  There had been no time for me to go through my suggested stores on Etsy lately, and as I was doing so yesterday, I found the coolest shop EVER.

Welcome to Tangle Wood Thicket:



Dragon Pups



Baby Goblin

Creature



Dragon




Dragon- My Favorite!!  <3 Him




Goblin



Goblin- This one reminds me of My Little Ponies for some reason.



Winged Lion


I posted all of the pictures larger so that you can see the exquisite detail that these creations entail.  Under her descriptions, she says that all of her wool is dyed with koolaid or acid dyes.  She needle felts these outrageous little creatures at her home in Canada.  Check out her store.  It is amazing.  I would love to have one of these guys to royally take up my bed.  How awesome would it be to wake up with a little dragon pup peering out at you from behind your pillow.  Also note, that these are beautiful pieces of art and are intended for adults or mature children.  That means no giving them to your slobbery toddler or stuffing them as the last-thing-on- top into your carry-on for a snuggly companion (as my poor rabbit has been so many times).  **cheese**

Doesn't this post just make you all smiley and giggly?  How could you not have a fabulous day after eyeing one of these ridiculously rad creatures?

(All photos and postings were taken with acknowledgement and permission from the artist- Thank you, Kasey.)

Three Signs Spring is Here to Alaska

1.  More planes are flying around.  A lot of people own small planes here.  Mostly because some places you can only get to by boat or plane, and also because it is easy to travel when you have a plane!!  I guess there is a lot more land here, too and people have places to build hangars and such. 

2.  Hearing your first goose.  Seagulls have been out over top of the house, squawking like seagulls do.  There are some birds that stick around during the winter, but not many.  We set out a bird feeder and some chickadees decided to show up.

3.  You swat your first mosquito.  And these suckers are huge.  Amen for homemade repellent and candles!!

<3

Morning Slokas to Assist in My Anti-Morningness

I am sorry- I do not know the origin of this picture and therefore cannot give credit to the artist

I am NOT a morning person, let me tell you.  For years my morning consisted of getting up just in time to barely get ready and make it to where I was headed.  Part of this is due to the fact insomnia runs in the family.  I had it really bad when I was in elementary and middle school.  It got better when I found a miracle herb the summer before I started high school.  However, my need to extend sleep hours and wake-up times after 12pm, prevailed. 

Then, I met my boyfriend.  In short, him being the manly, macho construction worker that he is, his wake-up times consisted of pre-dawn in order to get to the job site by daylight.  At first it wasn't that big of a deal, but eventually it got old sitting up by myself, wasting brain cells on late-night, non-cable tv at three in the morning.  So, I started to train my brain and my body to go to sleep earlier.  This entailed pretty much waking up ridiculously early whether I went to bed at 10 or 2, ultimately leading me to be extremely tired for the first few weeks.  My body, being the lesser of the two evils, gave into the struggle and talked my head into just going to sleep at a decent time.

Enter, yoga.  Yes, my life enhancing, life saving companion.  I was doing 1 1/2 hours of yoga three times a week for college and boy, could I tell a difference in my sleep patterns.  My mind actually quieted down when I went to bed instead of racing in a million different directions.  I have still had my ups and downs with insomnia, but with the combo of herb and yoga, most nights are full of deep sleep. (*Which, as a side note, I never really realized how even though I have suffered with insomnia and lack of sleep all my life, I have experienced dreaming deeper than most people who get regular sleep.*) 

But, after all that, my mind still prefers to be a non-morning person.  It literally takes me an hour to fully wake up and be functional.  And I MUST have my coffee.  And my blanket.  I just cannot adjust to the coldness and unsnuggly atmosphere of non-bed.  I need my blanket.  Plus, the fact that my boyfriend got me this crazy awesome blanket for Christmas, I now live in that thing.  So, I fell through a rabbit hole that eventually led me to The Goddess Guidebook's Morning Ritual e-book.  Somehow I always stumble upon things that lead me to other things, that then lead me to things I need in my life.  Some of these rituals inspired me to create my own morning rituals.

Hence, (finally, ha!) the relation of this jabber to the blog post.  I have been trying to incorporate more chanting into, not only my yoga practice, but my life.  At one time I came across a poem that I enjoyed and finally found it again.  It is a part of the Prata Smarana Sloka:

Samudravasane Devi Parvatastanamandale,
Vishhnupatni Namastubhyam Paadasparsham Kshamasva Me
Translation:  Oh Mother Earth, who has ocean as her clothing, mountains as her breats, and forests as her body, please forgive me as I touch my feet upon you.

Most of the translations I found are very loose, but I liked this one.  Here is a link to the pronunciation.  This part of the chant starts around 1:52 and lasts about 30 seconds.  This was one of the only audios of this chant that I could find.

I have also found myself taking my time in waking up, feeling my different body parts and taking a few deep breaths before I rise out of bed.  I have also been going out on my back deck and taking in the morning while Pup does her AM business.  I feel more in tune with the day and the energies it presents when I do this versus dragging my feet to my coffee pot and focusing on getting my dose of everyday caffeine. 

So, what is your morning ritual?

CSA Friday (Though it's not Friday)

I got my first produce box from a CSA on Friday.  Unfortunately, our CSAs here in AK don't pick up until June and run relatively short to September.  So to supplement my neediness for fresh and organic produce, I picked up a subscription to Full Circle Farms which is out of Washington state.  Yeah, I know;  Washington is pretty far away, BUT and this is a BIG BUT, when you live in Alaska... most of the produce, especially during the winter, is from the lower 48 and out of country.  That is what happens when the ground freezes upwards of a few feet.  Not too much can grow in there...  hence the reasoning behind our short produce season.  Washington, is however, the closest state, so I figured it is better getting organic foods from Washington than getting my apples and tomatoes from Mexico in an unsustainable way.

Being so super stoked, I could hardly sustain myself from digging into my box the second I got to work (which also happens to be the pick-up site).  I had to wait an excruciating 5 hours before I could loving toss it into my truck and rip it open at home.  The best part about it all was that I had a coupon that the awesome Full Circle peeps dropped off at Turkey Red for $15 off my first purchase.  That really was the push that I needed to just go ahead and put in an order, something that I had been wanting to do for quite some time, but just never got around to it.

The deliciousness that was my box included:  Klamath Pearl potatoes, red onions, Braeburn apples, Cara Cara oranges, a mango, snow peas, a tomato, a bunch of green kale, a bunch or arugula, a romaine lettuce head, a pack of baby spinach, and four juicy kiwis.

Another thing that is great about Fill Circle's subscription versus the other CSAs that deliver year-round here in AK is that Full Circle is customizable, meaning you have a list of exemptions that they won't ever include in your box and you can also specify items for that week that you don't want or want more of.  AND... you can look at their list of green grocers that you can add items to like organic cheeses, butters, jellies, and meats.

 

I have made a few awesome goodies with the yums that I had in my box.  Here is one delish greens recipe that I made the night that I got my box.  Boyfriend is a somewhat picky eater and he loved them.

Sauteed Kale: 2 servings
Ingredients
3/4 lb Kale leaves and stems coarsely chopped
1 tbs Olive oil
A garlic clove minced or garlic powder to taste
1/4 cup veggie stock (look for future post of how to make your own) or water
Seasonings to taste
Apple Cider Vinegar

Heat your oil up in a pan on med heat.  Add your cloves of garlic (if using) and warm until nice and fragrant.  Turn up to high heat adding the kale and your stock.  Use a wooden spatula and coat the greens in the liquid.  Watch out, it does splatter a little.  This is the time to add your garlic powder if you aren't using a clove.  Cover and cook on high for about 5 minutes.  I uncovered and stirred a few times to make sure nothing was sticking so you can do so if you like.  After the long awaited and smell-good wafting 5 minutes, uncover and stir until all the liquid have cooked off.  Take off heat element and add your seasonings and vinegar right to the pan and toss to coat.  I was raised in the south in which greens are usually smothered in vinegar so you can add as much as you like, if any at all.  I added about 1 1/2 tbs, which isn't very much.  You can also use red wine or balsamic vinegar if you don't like the pungent flavor of ACV.  Serve with a meal loving cooked at home.

I also made some sinfully delicious baked apples:

Baked Apples:  serves 2 (sorry no pics, they were eaten waaaaay to quickly)
Guided lovingly by this Vegetarian Times recipe
Ingredients
2 apples
brown sugar
cinnamon
honey
1 tbs corn starch
walnuts

Cut your apples in half and scoop out the star in the middle with a big spoon.  Add enough water in a baking dish so that the bottom is covered, then sprinkle some of your brown sugar in the bottom and the corn starch, mixing until the starch isn't clumpy.  Add your apples, cut side face up.  Sprinkle the rest of the brown sugar over and in the apples.  Dust the apples with cinnamon.  Squirt the honey on your apples a few times, making sure to add some in the water mixture.  Cover and bake for 10  minutes in an oven set at 400.  Then, uncover and bake another 15 minutes.  I know, this part is really hard because the apples are smelling so freaking yummy that you want to gobble them down Right.Then.  Take the apples out after the 15 minutes and place them in your bowls.  Turn off the oven, but put the dish with the juices back in for about 5 minutes.  This will thicken the sauce up like caramel.  Drizzle the sauce over the apples and add the crumbled walnuts.  The above ingredients list has no amounts because you have the choice to make this as healthy or as indulgent as you want.  Add as much as your taste is calling.  If you look at the recipe, it will give you some guidelines.  You will also notice that I used honey instead of maple syrup- I didn't have any not realizing I had used it all in a cookie recipe before it was too late.  I also didn't feel the need to use the lemon or the salt and I didn't feel like getting another pan dirty to cook the sauce on the stove.  That is why I added the corn starch, to get the sauce thick like caramel without cooking more.

Hope you enjoy!!

And here is to some ridiculous cuteness to leave you with.  My pup sporting her long, Brandy-like tongue.  See the resemblance?

 Much <3 LOVE <3